there's a thorn in my head and it snags on everything
Hi, hey. Hello.
Got a notification from youtube today that said it’s my channel’s fifth birthday. I started writing and publishing TTRPG essays in 2020 with a look at a zine that had made some waves around that time. Since then I’ve covered the alt-right within TTRPGs, published the NERVES zine filled with some of the best writers in the business, wrote a review of Lancer that people seem to like, and made a handful more youtube videos about all manner of media.
Recently, I’ve been reviewing TTRPGs and writing more about them. You might have caught one of the reviews from this very blog: Lutong Banwa, Tunnel Goons, Hardcase, Red Giant, or Kala Mandala. And when I’m not doing that I’ve been writing essays, like the House of Glass, or my spiel about non-fiction vs. fiction, or the time I got obsessed with Death Stranding and it seeped into my life.
I also wrote a manifesto, distilling how I feel about TTRPGs into a neat list. Which was both easier and harder than I imagined. It’s called Attic Games and I want to talk about why.
Attic Games is a direct reference to the euphemism “toys in the attic.” Which is something I first heard from The Wall, Pink Floyd’s album. Heard it when I was young and my dad had it on and, idk, it’s stuck with me ever since. I am autistic, have struggled with depression and anxiety, drug addiction, eating disorders, what have you. I’m transgender and for some reason all anyone online can talk about is how I do or don’t deserve rights, do or don’t deserve to die.
My career here (snow motions to the TTRPG industry, of which she is but a small fish munching on kelp) has been shaped by my autism. What the beast in my head can or can’t handle at any time. Work too much and the beast goes away entirely, and then there’s just a little cage up there with nothing to show for it.
So, I don’t know, Attic Games just came to me. Because the struggles I have shape how I make games, how I move through the industry, what I am capable of. The manifesto is important to me because it is me communicating why games are important to me, but its also communicating what I am capable of and what I am not capable of.
Attic Games as a title has been questioned and I think the answer to what it mean is that it’s me trying to sort of capture my whole deal: which is my fundamental struggle with communication and how that alters how I design games. I was told often by english professors that my biggest fault when writing was that I left out too much. That I was too sparse. I’ve worked hard to correct that and to focus on it. To make it one of my strong suits. To communicate in a way that makes sense to me.
Five years is a long time. It’s a long time to be writing non-fiction. It’s a long time to run a small business. I remember someone in a TV show saying that five years was the make or break point for businesses. If you’re still going after 5 years then you have something sustainable. Idk the veracity of this. I wasn’t a business major and I don’t even remember what TV show I heard this on. It’s just been stuck in my head.
Five years of this whole thing, of y’all supporting my writing and game design, is kinda mind-boggling. I feel like the only thing I can really say is that I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I’ve been going day-by-day, month-by-month. I’ve never known what I was doing and have been learning every single day. Like, I’m just releasing things hoping people will like it. And with everything I release I have the anxiety in the back of my head asking “what if they don’t like this one?”
I wish I could turn and be like “yo, I have this wild 5th year anniversary planned” to celebrate making it this far. But, yeah, I didn’t think I’d make it this far.
I’m making attic games. Taking the toys from mine and shipping them out to you. That’s maybe a little cringe but idc. I’m too melodramatic not to be.
Other than that, Char just released a limited edition of Rosethorn Keep on the site. So go check that out.
I’m gonna go take a nap,
Snow
To support writing like this, there’s my patreon or my substack (where you’re reading this). I’m on bluesky as well, for less-words and more-posts.
I like Attic Games as a name. It makes sense to me because I also encountered that phrase at a young age in a similar way and it stayed with me.
Five years is a big deal! Congratulations!